Husband’s Perspective

Here is our infertility struggle through my husband, Juan’s, point of view.

I’ve always been the, “it’s not the right time, we’re not financially ready, I would like to have a better position, we’re still so young” kind of person. And, I often blame myself because if we would have started sooner, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now.

When I finally gave in and we started trying, we had no luck of course, but I tried to stay positive. I would tell Dani, “it’s just a matter of time and we’re still young, there’s no need to rush into anything,” while in the back of my head I was silently scared something was wrong.

Dani mentioned she was seeing a doctor, but she just made it seem like it was a regular visit, nothing too serious. Little did I know, she was having the same fears I was but we never discussed it. Her and I are alike when it comes to difficult times; we don’t talk about it with one another, so we don’t stress the other person out. May seem crazy, but I would rather cope with stress silently than allow her to get stressed as well. Especially with something like this.

We finally discussed the fact that she was seeing a doctor to get checked out. Again I did not think it was anything serious. She never seemed worried and made it seem like all was perfect. I recommended she reach out to her mom or sister or a friend to get advice, but she just didn’t want to.

She told me that the doctor had mentioned a procedure called an IUI. Being new to all of this, I simply said, “yeah let’s do it.” She proceeded to make appointments with the doctor to move forward with the procedure. She explained what I had to do, which for any man is a bit odd, but at this point I would have done anything to make her a mother. I still remember the day when she broke down in the closet of our home. She had kept her emotions and fears hidden but finally couldn’t keep up the act anymore. She was nervous to tell me how much the IUI’s cost. She said that the reasons she hadn’t discussed it with me previously is because I had always told her to be patient. I felt like the worst husband in the whole entire world. My wife was secretly hurting, and I had unknowingly made comments that caused her not to be comfortable enough to talk to me. I will never forget that evening and how much pain I felt, knowing I wasn’t truly there for her.

Ever since then I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let her be on this journey by herself. And I’ve kept that promise.

Watching Dani become depressed and not be herself anymore was excruciating. She gained weight and didn’t want to go anywhere nor do anything. I knew the reason behind it and it made me feel like a failure of a man because I couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted and deserved.

After multiple failed IUI’s, we decided together that IVF was our next step and I was very hopeful. The way that the doctor had explained the fact that we were both healthy young adults and that we were functioning properly, it made me feel beyond confident.

The day I got the text from Dani saying it was negative I lost it. I told my office I had to leave and went home. The whole way home I cried, but I knew I had to be strong for Dani. I’ve always tried to look for the positives in anything that we or I go through, but this was different. The one thing Dani is made for and I couldn’t give it to her. When she got home she crumbled in my arms.

During this journey we were told multiple times how much stress can affect conceiving. I had been struggling at work and with all this infertility stuff going on, my stress level was through the roof. It made me a bad boss, friend, brother, son and even worse; a bad husband.

When Dani and I decided it was best to focus on us and let it happen on its own is when we started doing better as a couple. We decided to sell our house and move to Gainesville to start fresh. After a quick few weeks we were able to sell our house and started looking for jobs in Gainesville. However, we quickly realized we had begun our career paths here and moving would make us both start all over again. In addition, both of our families lived here. For many people, moving away from your parents is no problem, but for us it didn’t make sense. So, we decided that moving to Gainesville just wasn’t in the cards for us, at that time.

Looking back, it ended up working for the best. We have been able to lean on both of our families during this trying period and we were able to build our beautiful home.

I am beyond blessed to have Dani as not only my wife but my best friend. Going through our journey has taught us a lot about each other and I’m glad God chose her for me. We have been focusing on ourselves over the last year and we’ve grown closer than ever. I know God has a plan for us and that He knows what’s best for us.

I want to finish by the thanking all of our family and friends that have been with us through this journey, you guys make a big difference!

-Juan

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