Giving Up Is Not an Option: Part 4

On the last blog I was in the middle of taking a month off of Clomid due to the doctor being out of town, as well as getting an ultrasound to ensure the Clomid had not caused any cysts. The ultrasound came back clear and I was told that everything looks “beyond perfect.” Hearing this provided me with an overwhelming feeling of relief, which was much needed.

I began my third dose of Clomid in mid-October. This 3^rd dose of Clomid was a triple dose (150mg). The side effects from this bumped up dose kicked my butt. I was dizzy all the time which lead to feeling nauseous and a pounding headache; all of which lasted about 2-3 days. In addition to these side effects, the dreadful hormonal acne was worse as well. I just kept telling myself “this will all be worth it.”

With my luck, day 21 (the day I get blood drawn for progesterone level) fell on a Sunday, so I went in on the Friday before to get my blood taken. On Monday, I received my results. Unfortunately they dropped significantly. My numbers went from a 17.9 ng/ml to a 10 ng/ml. As a reminder, the doctor wants to see my numbers at 20ng/ml or higher. When I saw that number, my heart sank. I was beginning to feel so hopeful on this journey but was quickly slapped with reality. I immediately knew the blood draw on day 28 would give me yet another negative, and I was right.

Going into this last appointment I was defeated, as was the doctor. She was sad to see my numbers had dropped. With hesitation, she prescribed me another month of Clomid 150mg. The doctor stated that if my numbers did not rise that we should consider going to a specialist. As soon as she said this my heart sunk even more and I had a pit in my stomach. I again informed her that a specialist just isn’t in the cards for me right now. She seemed to have understood, but unfortunately repeated the suggestion of the specialist a few times. Another point she did make was that for the Progesterone Level test (day 21 blood draw) it should never been done before day 21, if day 21 is on the weekend I should come in on Monday. This gave me a glimmer of hope, thinking that maybe my numbers didn’t really drop, but I just came in too early for blood work. Even though I know that could be the case, my hope is still hanging on by a thread. This appointment just didn’t feel as hopeful as the previous ones. The way I comprehended this appointment was that if my numbers dropped again, this would be the end of the road for this doctor treating me.

I stayed strong during the appointment, but as soon as I got to my car all of my emotions came flooding out. The journey of infertility is an emotional roller coaster. For the past few months of numbers rising and my ultrasound coming back “more than perfect” I was truly beginning to feel like our miracle was close, really close.

I immediately began to think “maybe going to a specialist wouldn’t be a bad idea;” however I quickly stopped that thought process. When going to a specialist you have to be prepared to spend money, lots of money. Our current insurance doesn’t cover ANY fertility treatments. Thus, any procedures would require us to pay out of pocket. Emotionally and physically I would do just about anything at this point, but we financially cannot open that door. So going to a specialist at this time is just not an option.

I am currently in the middle of the 4^th dose of Clomid and am praying my numbers rise. Even if my numbers rise, I am unsure of the plan my doctor has. I have begun to look into the USF Fertility Research Center and will hopefully muster up the courage to call and make an appointment.

With this past month being a bit rocky, we are hoping these next few weeks can give us back the hopefulness we lost. With the holidays upon us, I will hopefully be distracted and not spend too much time thinking about this journey. With Thanksgiving being this week, I can’t help to emphasize how truly thankful I am for my husband, our families and our friends. The support system I have is more than I could have ever asked for and I am thankful for each and every one of you. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

-Dani