Some of my most cherished childhood memories were during holidays, especially Christmas time. My parents always went above and beyond. This meant elaborate decorations, piles of gifts, reindeer prints on the roof, and having an actual Santa Clause come to the house; it was every child’s dream. We still go to my parents’ house Christmas morning and open our gifts while our parents watch – even at 28, 29 and 30 years old. And we all still decorate our own homes in elaborate Christmas decorations.
With all the holiday joy I can’t help but think “if only I had a little one to share this all with.” I think back to the memories of opening gifts, making cookies for Santa, driving around looking at Christmas lights, and realize how much joy it brought my parents.
Each year my parents ask us for a Christmas list, and for the past 4 years all I’ve wanted to answer was, a baby. Christmas for the past 4 years consisted of me thinking, maybe this time next year. Maybe this time next year another person would be added to our Christmas card photo, another stocking would be hung, and another reason to love Christmas. But “this time next year” comes and nothing is different, everything remains the same except my heart hurts a little more.
Again, I have to say that I absolutely love Christmas and all that comes with it; the shopping, family time, decorating, lights, wrapping of gifts, all of it. But, that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It’s so so so hard. The sadness for wanting a family of our own, hits a little harder this time of year. Seeing the cute photos of friend’s children with Santa, the “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments, and those adorable holiday commercials, I stop and think will I ever get to be part of that? Will I ever be a mom?
Until that day comes, I will continue to envision this time next year. I will continue to have faith and know that God has a plan for us. I will continue to know that life can change at any moment.
So, for those celebrating with your little ones hug them a little tighter and treasure those lifelong memories. And to those celebrating with the hopes of maybe this time next year, don’t lose hope.
I want to wish all of our friends and family a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!